


group chats are hell

by donutcats



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, M/M, That's really all it is, a very self indulgent chatfic, it's a chat fic, mature language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-09
Updated: 2018-11-09
Packaged: 2019-08-20 21:40:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,919
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16563623
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donutcats/pseuds/donutcats
Summary: louisI'll eat your hands zaynzaynnot if i eat yours firstBicthniall[gif of the lady saying B-I-C-T...H]





	group chats are hell

**Author's Note:**

> ok so I have a bit to say so, let's just get the most important thing out of the way first; this is my first 1D fic I've posted and will Probably be the only 1D fic I post. I've recently become a fan of 1D which means immersing myself in any content I can find for them, and I knew inevitably I would write a fic. which is why we're here. I'm a sucker for chatfics in any fandom and after consuming way too many 1D fics in the past 2months, I never saw a chatfic. which ofc, meant I had to remedy that. 
> 
> this all started as just, random messages sent to friends that I finally compiled into one spot. it's very self indulgent. there is no plot whatsoever. there really isn't an end either. it's just a bunch of moments taken from their groupchat. I was imagining them around uni age, even tho I think I only ever mentioned age once. btw I'm an american girl and all the britisms I know are probably stereotypical so like. my apologies I tried my best after years of exposure to bbc america and watching too many bbc merlin and 1D interviews. uhh let's see is there anything else to say. 
> 
> oh yeah, like I said there's no real definitive end, I finally just got too excited and wanted to post this, and if at any point I want to add to it I will. they don't have creative screen names because I learned my lesson with another chatfic I wrote, and because as far as I know ao3 doesn't support emojis I tried to describe them the best I could in brackets. also I based this off of what I've gathered from the fandom persona's of the boys, and while I tried to stay true to their personalities I do know where the line between Real People and Persona lies. trust me I've known my fair share of rpf. 
> 
> I accept all forms of comments, even if it is to tell me how I could have captured their personalities better. I think that's it, so enjoy!!

**harry**  
_[shares an insta link]_  
happy bi day of visibility!!  
[sparkling heart] [purple heart] [blue heart]

 **zayn  
**[clapping emoji]

 **louis**  
blocked  
rEPORTED  
FLAGGED  
BANNED

 **harry  
** [blushy face]  
  
**louis**  
404 LOUIS NOT FOUND  
  
**harry**  
[blushy kissy face]  
  
**louis**  
WHOM  
GAVE YOU THE RIGHT??????  
  
**zayn**  
why are yall so gross all the time forever  
  
**niall**  
BEAUTIFUL  
STUNNING  
SHOWSTOPPING  
  
**liam**  
Oh we stan?

 

\---

 

 **louis**  
if zayn and liam got married he'd be zayn payne  
  
**niall**  
thats the beST THING IVE HEARD ALL DAY  
  
**harry**  
[crying laughing x3]  
  
**liam**  
I'm glad these are the things you think about at midnight.  
  
**louis**  
im a gENIUS  
  
**zayn**  
honestly I fuck with it  
  
**harry**  
[heart eyes] [clapping]  
  
**niall**  
hjdghjdsjhgjshdhj  
wait  
LOU DID YOU JUST PROPOSE TO ZAYN _FOR_ LIAM  
  
**louis**  
I THINK I JUST DID  
LIAM YOU OWE ME  
BITCH  
  
**liam**  
wAIT HOLD ON  
  
**harry**  
[ring] [two hearts]  
congratulations!!!!  
  
**liam**  
HARRY WAIT  
  
**niall**  
WE POPPIN THE BIGGEST BOTTLES  
  
**harry**  
[champagne]  
  
**louis**  
if this is my legacy then i can die happy  
  
**zayn**  
oh you will

 **louis  
**ominous  
I like it  
  
**liam**  
WHAT IS HAPPENING  
  
**niall**  
UR ENGAGED THATS WHATS HAPPEN  
**  
** **zayn**  
[ok hand]  
  
**harry**  
I'm going to cry this is amazing  
Louis' crying too!!!  
  
**louis**  
harry I can guarantee you and i are crying for cOMPLETELY DIFFERENT REASONS HHSHGFDH

 

\---

 

 **zayn**  
_[image of a fat pigeon]_  
  
**louis**  
Thicc  
  
**niall**  
how can it fly  
its so big, is it like a bumble bee??  
  
**liam**  
Please don't mention bees.  
loUIS I SEE YOU TYPING  
DONT YOU DARE COPY PASTE BEE MOVIE  
  
**niall**  
dont be a pussy lou pos  
OOOOOOOH  
FUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCK  
DSHJFSDHJGHSDH  
  
**zayn**  
you good?  
  
**louis**  
harry walked in with pizza and I don't know which he was more excited to see  
  
**harry**  
[pizza] [blowing a kiss]

 

\---

 

 **liam**  
First, I yee  
then, if I'm feeling a little spicey  
I haw.  
  
**louis**  
still cant believe you didnt invite us out with you    
thats so fuckin rude  
  
**niall**  
Fookin'  
  
**louis**  
fOOKIN ROOD  
  
**harry**  
I can't believe Liam turned into a cowboy  
has he ever actually been to Texas??  
[cowboy]  
  
**liam**  
we didnt invite you cause its technically meant to be date night  
also i took li's phone from him cause he keeps trying to spam terribly blurry selfies  
apparently the pub bathroom is the most important part of the pics  
  
**louis**  
zaYN WHY WOULD YOU  
i have a folder on my phone spECIFICLLY FOR THIS  
check his phone he does too  
we try and outdo each other w worst pub toilets  
so far im winning ,, go back a week you'll see why  
  
**liam**  
THANK YOU FOR GETTING MY PHONE BACK MUCH APRECIATED  
zayn made a face ar the pictures and just said 'its gonna be hard but you gotta win babe'  
I must win. For my love has asked me to.  
  
**harry**  
stay safe Liam!!!  
remember to drink water  
[two hearts]  
  
**liam**  
Will do!!! [heart]  
  
**louis**  
gross  
  
**niall**  
mother hen harry strikes again

 

\---

 

 **louis**  
quick what's everyone's favorite heart colors???  
and no one can have the same heart  
**  
** **liam**  
[red heart]  
  
**louis**  
boring but on brand  
  
**liam**  
Fuck You.  
  
**louis**  
pERSONALLY i like the blue one [blue heart]  
  
**harry**  
[green heart 5 times]  
there's just something about it  
  
**zayn**  
[yellow heart]  
looks gold  
  
**niall**  
oh fuck you all  
  
**louis**  
whats yOUR problem  
  
**niall**  
YOU TOOK ALL THE GOOD HEARTS  
NO ONE CAN HAVE THE SAME MY ARSE  
  
**louis**  
THERES THE PURPLE ONE YOU FUCKIN KNOB  
  
**niall**  
MAYBE I DON WANT THE PURPLE HEART  
[irish flag]  
THERE THATS MY HEART  
  
**liam**  
Are you really out here saying Ireland is your fucking heart?  
  
**harry**  
that's sO SWEET NIALL!!!  
YOUR HOME IS YOUR HEART  
  
**louis**  
HOW SAPPY  
I APPROVE  
  
**zayn**  
we're a fucking mess of human beings

 

\---

 

 **harry**  
have a good day at work Niall!!! [revolving hearts]  
  
**niall**  
THANKS  
  
**louis**  
oi no hearts for me ??  
  
**liam**  
What did you do to deserve hearts?  
  
**louis**  
woke up before noon today  
  
**harry**  
oh then ofc Lou!!!!  
[a bunch of different hearts]  
  
**louis**  
!!!!!!!  
[blue heart]  
  
**zayn**  
Gross

 

\---

 

 **harry**  
this is a daily reminder!!  
@everyone !!!  
I love Louis Tomlinson!!  
psa!!!  
[so many different heart emojis and kissy emojis]  
  
**louis**  
dis Guh sting  
[blue heart x3]  
@everyone this is a psa  
letting everyone know that harry is sAPPY AND CHEESY AND TERRIBLE  
AND I LOVE HIM !!!  
LIKE THE FUCK HOW CAN I NOT?????  
  
**zayn**  
@liam  
god i wish that were me  
  
**liam**  
@eveyrone I love Zayn!  
Oh balls.  
@evryeon I love Zayn!  
HOW DO I KEEP DOING THAT  
  
**zayn**  
@everyone liam is a fucking disaster  
he's cute tho so that makes up for a lot  
[yellow heart]  
  
**niall**  
I LOVE??? MY KIDS???

 **louis  
**

**niall**  
BIG REBLOG??  
RETWEET SHARED  
_FRAMED??????_  
  
**zayn**  
niall prints this out, blows it up, and hangs it over his mantel  
  
**niall**  
Do Not test me malik

 

\---

 

 **louis**  
you know those ppl that include their kids in their weddings and proposals and shit  
like make them part of it all??  
  
**liam**  
Yeh?  
  
**louis**  
we're all gonna have to do that w/ niall when the time comes  
make him feel part of it  
  
**liam**  
Oh God you're so right.  
  
**zayn**  
im gonna ask liam to marry me and niall will b our one man mariachi band  
  
**niall**  
you say that like a joke but honestly?? for honest?  
truth tea sister??  
  
**louis**  
never say those words ever the fuck again [gun]  
  
**niall**  
I WANT to be the one man mariachi band and you cant take that away from me now  
no return policy it’s happening  
Bitch

 

\---

 

 **niall  
** I keep thinking about that edit lou did  
i love my kids they're all in love and its beautiful  
  
**liam**  
Wait.  
How are you our dad but you're also our kid?  
  
**niall**  
ITS ALL VERY COMPLICATED  
bUT YES I AM ALSO YOUR CHILD  
  
**harry**  
Niall can walk me down the aisle and also be the ring bearer  
  
**niall**  
and the flower girl  
  
**harry**  
Niall please I'm the flower girl  
  
**niall**  
even at your oWN WEDDING??  
  
**harry**  
ofc ??? dUH  
I'll throw flowers down the aisle as I walk up to Lou  
I'll make sure to sprinkle some petals on his head  
it'll be gorgeous [cherry blossom]

 

\---

 

 **harry  
**I cant believe this is an argument

 **liam**  
Eat my entire ass Tomlinson.  
Go on, fucking fEAST ON MY ASS.  
_VORE MY ASS TOMMO_  
  
**louis**  
DSHFSHDGHSGHGH  
  
**liam**  
I FUCKING DARE YOU  
BITCH  
SQUARE UP  
MEET ME BEHIND THE TESCO'S AT SUNRISE FOR AN ASS EATING  
  
**louis**  
STOP STOP IM SORRY  
ASGHSFHDSHG  
IM SO SORRY FOR CALLING YOU OUT ON DRINKING THE LAST OF MY LEMONADE  
  
**niall**  
there are tears in me eyes

 **zayn  
** lima fuckin Snapped  
Go Off babe  
  
**harry**  
I DONT WANT TO THINK ABOUT LIAM KNOWING WHAT VORE IS  
  
**louis**  
vore is a meme by now love  
  
**harry**  
I DONT WANT IT TO BE  
  
**niall**  
real human tears running down my face

 **harry**  
LIAM WAS JUST A BOY ONCE  
  
**louis**  
WEREN'T WE ALL  
  
**niall**  
my face hurts  
  
**harry**  
look at what you've done! you've reduced Niall to short one message sentences!  
how could you both do this  
  
**liam**  
It's Louis' fault!  
He's just jealous 'cause he's always telling people to eat his ass but i tURNED IT AROUND ON HIM.  
I GOT ONE OVER ON HIM  
  
**louis**  
yes yes dear you really one upped me in the ass eating department

 **liam**  
Wait  
  
**harry**  
stop!!!  
my ears are too young for this language!!  
  
**louis**  
harry youre 21 how r you too young  
  
**zayn**  
well we now know the things they Dont do in the bedroom  
  
**louis**  
oH I CAN ASSURE YOU

 **zayn**  
I take it back pls dont finish that sentence  
pls stop typing  
  
**harry**  
I hate this family!!!  
  
**niall**  
i cant take anymore blease im dying

 

\---

 

 **louis**  
just signed for an entire like, near palette size of gatorade and the delivery guy looked downright murderous at the fact he had to haul it all the way up to my flat  
i wOULD have helped if id kNOWN !!! i even aPOLOGIZED PROFUSELY  
but i was playing sims whatd he expect from me  
  
**liam**  
Why'd you buy so much gatorade?  
  
**louis**  
wouldnt you like to know  
  
**liam**  
That's why I asked?  
  
**louis**  
likely story  
  
**liam**  
What?  
  
**louis**  
anyways i now feel bad for the delivery guy cause i had to bring the gatorade in and i didnt even have one of those wheelie things  
youd tHINK he'd offer but nOPE  
  
**niall**  
OH IS THIS FOR THE REDACTED THING  
  
**louis**  
OHOHO YEH  
  
**zayn**  
if this is anything like the time you waterboarded my boyfriend in the hallway  
im gonna have to ask you  
take video this time  
  
**liam**  
I DONT LIKE THIS CONVERSATION AT ALL !!!

 **louis**  
Ok first of all it wasn’t _waterboarding_

 

\---

 

 **niall** **  
** halloweens comin up you know what that means  
  
**louis**  
trick or trick  
  
**harry**  
I think you mean 'or treat'  
[jack o’ lantern] [candy]  
  
**louis**  
i know what i said

 **harry  
**trick or treat people with kindness

 **louis  
**Trick people with kindness

 **harry  
**wait no not like that

 **louis**  
can’t take it back now love  
we need to do something GOOD this year  
  
**zayn**  
we need to top last year  
  
**louis**  
OH when we filled liam's tub with shaving cream and then taped his front door closed ??  
  
**liam**  
That was YOU??  
  
**louis**  
li pls this is a private conversation

 

\---

 

 **liam**  
[I made this at lime 11pm.](https://66.media.tumblr.com/850265de31bc4a0c92a0d3509d3c2ccb/tumblr_messaging_pgd5twSSGk1rrfn0y_1280.png)  
I'm right and that's final.  
  
  
**louis**  
lime  
  
**zayn**  
lime  
  
**niall**  
lime  
  
**harry**  
[lemon]  
they don't have a lime emoji :c  
  
**louis**  
i am moST DEFINITELY THE ONE YELLING MCDONALDS  
  
**zayn**  
lou pls  
nialls in the backseat yelling for mcds and you yell too nd then you pull in and order one mcdouble to go while looking him dead in the eye  
  
**louis**  
no comment  
  
**niall**  
hE WOULD AND I HATE IT  
  
**harry**  
Liam depends on who he's in the car with!  
if it's Lou and Niall in the back, he'd shut it down, but if it's Zayn or me, he's probably the one yelling for mcdonalds  
  
**liam**  
God, we really do know each other too well.

 

\---

 

  
**louis**  
@niall why r there snicker wrappers on the bathroom floor??  
  
**niall**  
???? i dont know  
why are you @ing me  
why do you think im the culprit  
  
**louis**  
who eLSE would it be  
  
**niall**  
glad to know me best friend is reducing me to nothing but one personality trait  
thANKS TOMMO

 **louis**  
oh shut the **_[F]_ ** uck up  
you know you're much more than a singular personality trait  
but I mean really, you DO love your snacks  
how is it a leap to think you were monching on snickers on the bathroom floor??  
  
**niall**  
weLL it wasnt me  
I would at leAST have the dignity to eat the snickers in the bathtub  
  
**louis**  
thEN WHO WAS IT  
  
**liam**  
I saw Harry with the leftover halloween candy earlier.  
  
**louis**  
@harry  
esplain  
  
**harry**  
baby want **_[S]_ ** nack  
[candy] [chocolate bar]

 **zayn**  
was it full snickers or mini  
  
**louis**  
mini  
who the fuck do you take us for

 **liam  
** Halloween candy is proven to taste better in mini form.  
Eating full sized candy on halloween is actually illegal.

 **zayn  
**well thats just a whole ass mood

 **louis**  
thERE’S KITKAT WRAPPERS IN OUR BEDROOM HAROLD  
UR MEANT TO BE THE _TIDY ONE_

 **harry**  
BABY WANT MULTIPLE SNNAAACCCCC

 

\---

 

 **louis**  
spending time alone w/ ziam is the worst  
sitting beTWEEN THEM is even worse  
  
**harry**  
at least you didn't say worser  
  
**louis**  
i was tempted  
does No One care that I just had to sit with them while they made heart eyes at each other  
  
**niall**  
oh wow  
sitting between two people  
as they moon over each other  
tell me more lou  
I don't know that feeling at all  
  
**louis**  
are you bein cheeky with me rn niall  
  
**niall**  
sorry was i tOO SUBTLE  
  
**louis**  
me and haz dont mOON OVER EACH OTHER  
  
**harry**  
harry and I  
  
**louis**  
me and harry  
  
**harry**  
:/  
  
**louis**  
[blue heart]

  
**liam**  
I can feel the hearts bleeding from your eyeballs anytime you two so much as glance at each other.  
  
**louis**  
wow ok it's bully louis hour  
  
**zayn**  
ur cranky cause you got a taste of your own medicine  
  
**louis**  
I'll eat your hands zayn  
  
**zayn**  
not if i eat yours first  
Bicth

 **niall  
** _[gif of the lady saying B-I-C-T...H]_

 **zayn  
**lou i sent you a snap

 **louis  
** you probably meant it as like, to bother me  
but really  
I genuinely hate how fucking cUTE YOU ARE

 **zayn  
**I can’t believe you took a screenshot you creep

 **louis  
** _[image from zayn’s snapchat, of zayn with an arm around liam’s neck, pulling him close for a kiss, one hand is obviously holding the phone, and the free hand is flipping off the camera]_

 **niall  
**ok that is cute

 **liam  
** !!!!!!  
THAT’S MY NEW LOCKSCREEN

 **zayn  
**bloody hell

 **harry  
** @louis  
WHEN I GET HOME I WANT A NEW LOCKSCREEN TOO

 **louis  
**I’ve created a monster

 

\---

 

 **harry**  
this is a callout post for Louis Tomlinson  
  
**niall**  
ooooooh sounds srs  
whatd he do now  
  
**liam**  
He's using Lou's full nane.  
Name.  
  
**niall**  
nane  
  
**harry**  
nane  
  
**liam**  
I appreciate how you stopped typing just to ridicule me.  
Wait ridicule is the word I’m thinking of right?  
  
**zayn**  
yeh  
  
**harry**  
yfip; Louis ate the entire Party Size bag of potato crisps  
without consulting me first  
  
**louis**  
they were oPENED  
AND ON THE TABLE  
  
**harry**  
THEY WERE MINE  
  
**louis**  
AND ??  
YOU NEVER FINISH ANYTHING  
THIS IS AN ESTABLISHED TRAIT OF YOURS  
you leave opened snacks all over the flat and I always end up finishing them  
  
**harry**  
I was planning to come back to those  
plus it was a Party Size  
PARTY LOU  
  
**louis**  
I WAS HONGRY  
  
**niall**  
lovers quarrel  
  
**zayn**  
li we havent had one of those in awhile  
  
**liam**  
We've gotten complacent.  
  
**zayn**  
eat shit payne  
  
**liam**  
Yes, fuck you.

 **louis  
** update there was another party bag of crisps in the cupboard  
harry is happily crunching away

 **harry  
** bake off: on  
crisps: acquired  
louis: forgiven  
thats how the meme goes right

 **niall  
**oh honey no

 **louis  
** Bake off; on  
Crisps; crumched  
Louis; forcibly removed from sleeping on the couch tonight

 **niall  
**bETTER

 

\---

 

 **Niall**  
_[image of zayn and louis on a balcony, zayns arms around louis and louis’ arms open wide]_ _  
__[image of zayn on the floor beside the couch, making a face at the camera]_ _  
_ they wanted to recreate the titanic scenes  
lou: i’ll never let go jack  
zayn rolling off the couch; oh yikes bye then  
lou: i can’t believe you’d drOWN URSELF  
zayn playing dead: don’t be clingy rose  
  
**harry**  
Louis is so very clearly Jack in a titanic scenario  
  
**niall**  
is that just cus you wanna be painted like a french girl harry  
  
**harry**  
Maybe So  
  
**liam**  
Louis’ problem was that he LET Zayn drown. You have to reach down and pull him up and refude to let him go.  
  
**niall**  
refude  
  
**zayn**  
my knight in shining armor  
a true gryffindor  
  
**liam**  
I can Feel the sarcasm through the screen.  
  
**zayn**  
[blowing a kiss emoji]

 

\---

 

 **zayn  
**_[image of harry sitting on the couch, wearing floral dress pants, a rolling stones tshirt, and slippers with cat faces]_  
today's mood; harry styles  
i almost wrote stylinson  
lmao  
  
**louis**  
oh worm  
  
**niall**  
mood worm  
  
**liam**  
Big hat same worm.

 **louis  
**sometimes my mouth will just say Ziam without any input from my brain

 **liam  
**Oh that’s also a big fucking mood.

 **niall**  
Wait why’s it a mood when harry wears something ridiculous but when I stand in the middle of the living room wearing my boxers mismatched socks and eating mac n cheese it’s considered ‘weird’ and ‘niall for fucks sake why are you like this’

 **liam  
** Because you’re standing in _my_ living room, eating your mac and cheese directly out of the pot with a wooden spoon while blasting Jeremy Kyle?

 **niall  
** I offered to share  
  
**harry**  
sometimes I wonder what future historians will think when they uncover groupchats

 

\---

 

 **zayn  
**why are my sneakers duct taped to the ceiling

 **louis  
**which ones????

 **zayn  
** _[image of zayn’s shoes on the ceiling]_

 **louis  
**I always thought those were liam’s

 **zayn  
** you were there when i bought them  
i wear them all the time?

 **louis  
** ????????  
your point  
I buy things for harry all the time  
& i wear his shit  

 **zayn  
** wait did you put them there  
Yes they are mine you fukin idiot

 **louis  
** just rip them down  
Yoink

 **niall  
** barista; name pls  
me; niall  
coffee cup; Neil  
me; i will come to your home in the dead of night and steal all of your utensils and cut off one sleeve from each of your shirts do not test me

 **louis  
** fshjdfgjhfdhjj  
that’s so fucking specific ?? im loving it

 **niall  
** my knees been achin all day cus of the rain nd it’s [lou voice] Fookin’ Freezin’  
and starbucks ran out of napkins and i couldn’t find any of my pens im p sure i left them all at yours and  
Boy am i Goin Through It

 **harry  
**oh no niall

 **niall**  
sahjfhjgsdjgsj  
why does that aLWAYS make me lose it

 **louis  
** mine???  
oh that explains all those pens haz found in the bathroom  
why were they in the bathroom

 **niall  
**had to empty my pockets??

 **zayn  
** why were your pockets filled  
you know what its cool

 **harry  
** pizza party at ours tonight followed by some bad netflix movies!!  
because I said so  
it is now law

 **niall  
**FUCK YEH

 **louis**  
[pizza x4]

 **liam**  
WHY ARE MY SHOES ON THE CEILING  
_LOUIS_

 **zayn**  
li’s back from his jog  
@louis  
_[quick video of liam walking into the bedroom and shouting about his shoes on the ceiling]_

 **louis  
**oh finally some good fuckin food??

**Author's Note:**

> both of the little picture memes included in this fic were made by me.


End file.
